SaNgUiNe MeLaNcHoLic

faith-i can move the mountains

2009-11-13T06:25:00.003+08:00

I've come to face the reality
and its tough
but i believe that no matter how tough it is
He will never leave me in the battle
He will be my shield, my protector
I wish I have the faith like of David who won against Goliath

that no matter what I'm going through right now
I will be able to overcome it WINNING
hearing the pleasant words of Him
saying "well done my good and faithful servant"

signed:
Wensy

YOU

2009-11-06T23:42:00.003+08:00

I have been trying so hard to become what I am supposed to become. I have given up everything in order to give everything you need. I have even given up myself- all the things I want, I need because I know that You are more than enough. You know that I love YOU, both of you more than my life. I had cried a million times because of you and you know that I would die for YOU if I have to. You are my happiness. Both of YOU.

But...

Each moment of happiness comes sadness.

You said you're tired. I am too. I am exhausted of always giving without getting anything in return. But its the only thing, the only way that is making me appreciate this marriage thing to see you both glad. I'll do no matter what it takes to bring pleasure in to your life. If only I could give everything you want. But I don't know why it seems not enough for you. All those sacrifices, hardships, they're all seem to be nothing to you.

They have said a little learning is a dangerous thing. Maybe this is why we aren't so peaceful at all. We are still so young after all and have not yet fully understand what it is and what it takes a raise a family. We are like lost balls in the high weeds who don't know what they're doing. But we are all in a process. So I believe as we continue, will be able to learn and grow more in to becoming a more mature married couple.

I don't want to go home even if I am aware that this could only add fuel to the fire. I want you to feel the way I felt each time you don't come home when we fight. But you know that I can't do that. It was always me who ends up looking for you.

Can you as well look for me?search me....

As the song goes...
wish I could be every little you wanted

signed:
wensy

Find rest my soul, in HIM alone

2009-10-17T03:12:00.004+08:00

I wonder what they two are doing now? My baby i believe is sleeping already. But what about him? Is he sleeping as well? I have to believe in it. I have to believe in him. To trust him, such a very difficult thing to do. It is more of a task for me. A task given by a husband to a wife who cant even trust herself. A task that is arduous.

I got married when I was 23 when my husband was still 21. That was a year ago when we decided to settle down although deep inside I know that it was not yet the right time. I was not even certain if he was serious in making the decision. He was still so young after all. And our relationship was still starting. We have not yet known each other so well. I conceived his baby, that triggered the arrangement. The reason behind everything.

I used to be a performer, in a church. I used to refer it as "my church". But do I still have the right to claim it as mine? As "I" still being part of it? A singer, thats what I was. A worship leader in fact, somehow I was called and I had pleasure in serving the calling everyday. For 6 years I grew up from being the alto of the group to becoming the lead singer. Although I was struggling, we were all struggling on what supposed to be our motive, to glorify HIM alone. Those are the moments when I was able to find myself, to know myself more, to know HIM more and more, and beginning to appreciate the reality of this life. That it is tough but no matter how tough it is, there is one thing we need to bear in mind, "HE will never leave us, nor forsake us". In that church I found a family, a true family who accepted me for who I was and was willing to help transform me in to becoming a more mature being.

Everything was blurry when I met him December 2007, that was Christmas eve when he came in to our place. We were partying and I noticed him approaching, it was then I realized he only came to accompany his friend who happened to be the boyfriend of my friend who after a year became the father of her first baby. He was so handsome, everybody looked. So then, he smiled at me and I smiled in return. Due to being slightly intoxicated already, I cannot fully remember why we end up talking to each other the entire night. But that was no other than a friendly talk. The following day, I searched for him, I realized I wanted to see him again. I ceased for I know that I was committed and was not supposed to have the kind of relationship I wanted with him that time. So I ceased from thinking of him as well. Not until we met again.

January 2008 came, the strangest year I could consider so far. How bizarre. First, the commitment ended. Second, I got hooked up with him. Everything happened in a very quick manner. Third would be, this was the saddest part, I became hesitant to continue to perform, I thought Im no longer deserving to serve which was correct. As hesitant as I was becoming, I started not show myself up to them, they became worried. I showed up to the leader and pronounced to her what had happened to me, that was the time when I began to accept that I can no longer sing. It hurt me, self-pity began to arose. But she never reprimanded me, instead she gave her full support along with the other leaders reminding me that they will never turn their back on me, unlike what I did to them. And later on slowly it became known to the entire church that I had committed a very huge mistake. I still did not show up to them, only to a few people.

June 2008, I became pregnant to his baby. As I mentioned everything was sudden. I got hooked up with him when the new year started. I got pregnant after 5months. How did we hook up? Well we went out one January night, he proposed, I said yes right away. An abrupt agreement as how I call it. But I never thought we will end up having a baby, getting married, living in one house with his family which an entirely hell for me. Imprisoned to a never ending struggle. And now all I want is to go back to where I originally was. Where I was pleasurably living, having no doubts, no confusions, no unfathomable self-pity, no debts, speaking of which is driving me crazy right now. I just want to live normal again.

Another commitment started again, November 2008. But this time it was different, it was a now forever commitment, no turning back, till death do us part. I got married with him. I was in loved and is still in love with him and at the same time confused if we can make this to last forever. I was so afraid he might go and find another or he might cheat or he might get tired of me. I have so many "what ifs", even until now. Although I have never seen any signs, I am still having hard time trusting him.

Until she came out, the happiness was never ending. She was the sweetest, loveliest, the pretties baby that has lived on earth. Well, that's according to her mother who has loved her first. Seeing her growing in our own hands, made me from time to time see and understand the kind of faith a child(baby) has to her parents. It is a never failing faith. I wish I had that faith to my husband. So that I could rest my heart from thinking evil things.

I'm giving it all to God, I'm entrusting him everything. He will never give me more than what I can bear. In this and through this I could trust that our marriage life will last forever-eternal.

signed:
wensy

2009-10-06T00:14:00.003+08:00

mah musta naka?
mingaw na kaau ko nmo
nag unsa ka?nag huna huna ka nko?
kay cge ra jud ko huna huna nimo dre
i love u so much mah
kaw ra jud ako love
inlove kaau ko nimo
yaw pangita lain ha?
mabuang jud ko
mamatay ko kung mawala ka

I can only imagine how happy would I become if my man would tell me these lines everyday. Because it has always me who always do. He responds though, the feeling is still different.

He's changed

2009-09-29T04:23:00.002+08:00

People really changed, especially if you already have the power. But in his case, he has not yet have the power, though he soon will have it, it is still too early. Well, may he is just excited. Gudluck!!!

have mercy

2009-08-03T06:10:00.001+08:00

why is it hard for You just to grant me that one wish?even just a wish? am i really that bad?
have mercy

thanks to my family

2009-07-30T17:26:00.004+08:00

I just couldn't think or find any interesting topic to talk about. The way things are happening are just so routine that I could see no changes at all. I am in fact enjoying the kind of life I have right now. In spite of the obstacles, circumstances, I manage to take pleasure in dealing, overcoming things because I know I have a family to back me up, a family who is very supportive.

Or maybe I could just use this very opportunity to thank them-each one of them.

First of all, I want to thank God for giving me a wonderful imperfect family. Before I start enumerating their names, let me give you a little background about how and what we are as one small-yet-big family.

* We are not so attach with each other, we don't hug, we don't say "i love you"-that's a no-no, gross! but we are close, we talk about how things are. We do care to each other. We love each other, we just dont show it physically.
* We always shout, that's the one thing I really hate about us. But that was before, I've learned that, that's how really my family are, its not that they are mad, that's just really how they are, we are. And I guess, we should be thankful for God has given us all the voices in the world, at least we're not mute. If you look at the brighter side of it.
* We are comedians but serious individuals.
* We don't gamble. That's a taboo.
* Gee! not to be bragging but we all sing. My dad is a musician, that's why.

so here we go,

my mother- she as per tatay(our granny) is like an amps. she talks loud and fast. But Im so thankful to her very supportive character. If not for her, Ill be oh so dead with debts right now.

my father- every day he surprise us with new things. Thanks to his hardworking character, we are able to survive.

my older sister- she is so understanding, forgiving, supporting. She deserves a famas award.

my 14 years old brother- thanks to him, we never had a dull moment.he always makes us laugh.

our 12 years old youngest brother- he makes us proud. He's very good at basketball and he sings so well.

I can't imagine life without them. It would be like heaven turned into hell.

insight

2009-05-22T12:45:00.003+08:00

The early bird catches the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese. How does that happen?
-because the first mouse gets trapped.

And so the insight we get there is :
"You dont need to be all the time early because there are some given unwanted circumstances that would come along the way to our journey and would pull us down to the very bottom and hardly stand back, others were not able to stand at all.

that is learning from other peoples experiences/mistakes.
You have to consider every given situation.
Who knows? You might be the next early mouse who usually gets trapped.

signed :wensy

God is Good

2009-04-22T07:57:00.002+08:00

V1:
worry not too much
to torment oneself with is such
a sign that you lack
trust to God

Pre-chorus:
seek him
receive him
so you'll know more of him

Chorus:
God is good
God is great
God is everything human needs
God heals
God reveals
himself when we worship him

V2:
worry not too much
to torment oneself with is such
a sign that you lack
trust to God

Pre-chorus:
trust him
believe him
to know him more and more

repeat chorus

Bridge:
worship be all to Him
praises be all to Him
Glory be all to Him
seek and trust that the Lord is Good

repeat chorus

not yet done

2009-04-03T06:45:00.002+08:00

Life isn't about us after all. The more we live for others, the more we get to appreciate the life given, the more we get to understand the real meaning of the word "death". Same as how we comprehended why God died for us- to save us. Dying to one's self, such a very difficult command to obey. As it is known, we are created self-centered. No matter how many times we're reminded to give up one's self and carry our cross-like what Jesus did, we still have the tendency to put our self first-selfishness.

Relating this to what I have been going through these days, I just realize how living for others not to mention -too much- would ruin your life as well. I realized what I've been doing was no longer living for others for God but only for him alone. My husband. And now I got nothing but ruined reputation. But I didn't really care about it because I love him and he loves me- I know that. God forgives, so i forgive. Although the pain he caused remained in my heart, I still love him. What gives me the right in the first place not to forgive, I have been forgiven all these years.

I just hope and pray that I may able to learn how and what it is to live for others to glorify HIM. It's not giving other people too much that they will abuse you in return but its more on checking our motives.

back to the real world

2009-03-16T08:33:00.003+08:00

I woke up early around 3am today and rested for a few minutes before i prepared for work at 5am. It was a strange morning because I didn't have my baby beside me. I left her to her grandmom since this is my first day of working again as a call girl-they called it. I supposed to be still resting for the next 30 days but I urge my doctor to allow me because I am already out of finances to support my family for the next few days.

I miss my sweetest downfall already-my precious baby. OH!! It is already 2pm, let me get my self outta here.

signed:wensy

I surrender

2009-03-14T14:46:00.003+08:00

I want to depart and be with the life i had before. I want to withdraw and undo the things I've done wrong to go back to the times when i was pleasurably possessing the life given but is to be taken away at the same time. I can never go back to those days. If only I could change the direction of its hands of the clock and make it go counterclockwise. I am but a stupid frustrated mother and a wife who believes that my life doesn't belong to me anymore.

I am exhausted and is officially surrendering, declaring that what I've chosen was the wrong path and what I've decided was the wrong decision. To marry a bystander, an amateur who's beliefs are not the same as mine, who's intuition and the capacity of apprehending is the same as an immature who's emotions are not yet developed. Yes!!! I married him because I admire him physically, that's all. I forgot that more than that, I have to consider and prioritize the other way of looking for a man and that is to look at them spiritually. I am but a failure. I love him and I have already tied the knot to be with him for life. There is no turning back. I just hope and pray that even though how tired and exhausted I am, I will still continue and abide with the Divine and believe that he will change both of us for the better of our relationship.

signed:wensy

hope

2009-03-10T16:21:00.001+08:00

I don’t know why it seems to be so hard for you to at least grow up and be matured. That’s all I’m asking. I don’t know if you are aware of the pain I’m bringing with me everyday. I’m holding on to you because I still believe you will change. I do appreciate though, the changes I’ve seen even from the first day of our being together. You changed a lot, it is very visible, everyone can tell. However, I hope you will keep on changing for the better of our relationship, to build up our marriage. I know this misunderstanding were having is not just your fault, it is both our fault. I admit I’m sometimes immature as well. My pride is eating me up. I’m sorry.

I want to change you. But then, again, I have to remind myself that I can never do that. Only YOU YOURSELF can change you and thats true to this world. It has always been said, if you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it then change the way you look at it. In other words I have to let go of it and accept the fact that you are indeed created to be like one. But i still believe you will change. God will change you, same as how he changed me. And I know there are still a lot of things in my life that I need to work on with. Nobody’s perfect. We are all in a process. So I’m waiting for that day to come.

I believe in God. I believe in you.

signed:wensy

Carrie Suzzane

2009-03-03T18:10:00.002+08:00

we've met at long last....the greatest moment of my life.

Constant Change

2009-01-24T15:34:00.000+08:00

I believe in God. I believe in you.

signed:wensy

overcoming

2009-01-18T09:27:00.000+08:00

It seems like everything is going against may way, lead me oh Jesus, direct me. That’s my line today, from the moment I woke up.I noticed things have not come as the way i expect them to be or let say things aren’t happening as the way I want to them to be. When I was about to leave home for work, I realized I have lost my cellphone which is very important and was nowhere to be found. It took me like 10mins to look for it and found out, it was only underneath my bed after all. It was so irritating since it’d only left me 20 mins to travel to the office-good thing I wasn’t late. Imagine how hard it is for an 8th month pregnant to trek back n forth from home to office having to ride a jeep thats full of inconsiderate people.

When I arrived in the office, my supervisor welcomed me with a bad news that my kodus call was disapproved(sh*T-it was all my fault after all, I was very rude to the guest but still he managed to asked for a supervisor to thank me, can you believe that?anyhow, that’s ok, I deserved it). So I went immediately to my cube and thought maybe sitting and breathing and relaxing for 5 mins would turn everything fine. Not until when I read my emails and discovered that I wasn’t included to the people who worked overtime last week(well in fact, I did-i worked 7days instead of 5..hALER!?!). I went to the pantry to get some water to drink to somehow ease the aggravation, however I found out, I as well dont have food for lunch. This is CRAZY!! very unforgivable punishment?I said to myself. What have I done that I will have to undergo these situations. I then realized that these things will soon pass. I should not worry much since these are only testings coming from God, what matters to him is how we overcome his given circumstances. What matters to me right now as well is my baby, my precious. We’ll soon be seeing each other.

I wonders who she looks like.

uhmm sigh……………..

signed:wensy

thank you

2009-01-07T15:57:00.002+08:00

and so i thought i was gonna die, im still afraid of thinking of it though, especially that now february is very fast approaching. I can't still get over you people, i can't get away from the fact, the truth that I lied to you-to all of you. And now that you know my condition- you still did accept me and love me. BUT WHY AM I SO STUBBORN? just so you know, I am not enjoying the kind of life im having to live right now. I miss all of you but i dont think if im worthy enough to go back. AM I? thank you for everything.

If only

2008-12-23T16:06:00.003+08:00

I wish I can have all the wealth in the world, all the money so that I can give my family, my husbands family all they want and need. If only someone could give me millions to satisfy other people's need. If only.

I am so tired of this married life. I used to live and enjoy life to the fullest. Now I realize I am only living it half. I know I made a mistake, a very big mistake of entering this new yet frequent phase. A way to a miserable life. A miserable place. A place full of envious, absurd people. I just wish I could go back to past and undo all the things I've done wrong. Undo all the wrong decisions. I am regretting. I admit it. He is right. I am no longer enjoying. I am but a crestfallen. A stupid alien.

I want to live alone. Alone with my baby. How can I ever forget him? when we are already married. Stupid bratt! Why did you ever get married?

Good luck..clueless

signed:wensy

marriage

2008-12-16T08:48:00.002+08:00

They wonder hows and whats life would be if they didn’t even meet. She would probably be enjoying more on her christmas since she would still be single. It means more money, no need to save(she smiles), she would be alone which means she can buy anything she wants without thinking of him and their coming baby. She would be partying all night with friends and work the next day.,tsk..tsk.. tsk. She would be going anywhere without asking permission. She is already on the right age anyway.

He on the other hand, would probably be(she has no idea.lol) enjoying more as well without a pregnant wife to think about. He would be partying all night (he seldom goes nowadays because his wife does not allow him to-she laughs). His wife is sure he doesn’t have any money for christmas(she is not trying to put him down though, she’s just sure of it lol and oh she added,”he may have but only a small amount unlike what he is grabbing right now-duh!!as if we really have that much money!!!ahaha). He would be dating another uhmm not woman but girl?(according to her, some a sort of uhmm?? never mind).

Anyhow….

They would surely be living differently.

Different from the world they have today. The world of love, responsibilities, commitments, continuous lessons. They are bound to live for it each day of their lives. If one fails, they all fail. That’s how they are supposed to live.
The world of marriage.

signed:wensy

I love them

2008-11-16T11:53:00.004+08:00

It's a baby girl. All this time I thought it was a boy. I am not disappointed, I am more thankful for she is healthy in my womb. February is fast approaching, excited as I am right now, I still cant get away from the truth that I am going to be a mother soon. I wonder how its like to become one. I got to read a blog about appreciating parents, and I so like it for I was reminded of the love my parents gave me unconditionally. Now I'm beginning to feel what they felt when they brought me out me to this world and raised me up. My baby maybe the most precious gift I will ever receive from God but my parents would be the most beloved present I will always have. I may get to lose them or they may get to lose me in the future but their love for me will always be in my heart, in my life and my love for them will always be unfading.

Thank you Lord for this wonderful life you've given me.

signed:wensy

I love us

2008-11-10T13:51:00.005+08:00

I cant find an exact word nor an exact reason why we came upon knowing each other. I would rather say, God allowed our paths to cross because he meant it to cross. I was too thankful back then as I reminisce the time when we first met and talked. I admire you, I said to myself without knowing you admired me on the other side of the rainbow as well. Never would I thought you would pursue a more than friends relationship with me. But of course I said yes, I did not think twice,you were so cute back then, and oh yes until now. I was so happy, we were so happy.

That happiness lasted earlier than I expect. It did not totally last though, I forget there were those people I've hurt which pains me in return. I have to give up on them in order to be with you. I lost the very plan and the very dream i had to marry someone who is capable and who does understand my beliefs and who has the same beliefs as I have. I lost a couple of people who were there to protect me, to pray for me. In other words, I lost my church. I know you were someone I should have avoided to have any relationship with but I still continued because I was afraid- I am afraid to lose you.

You are someone I'm incompatible with. We have different beliefs, You are not someone I enjoyed talking a lot with. I sometimes enjoy talking to nonsense people though, I enjoy more on talking to people with substance, wit, and to someone who enjoys intellectual conversation. You are not that someone, but I did understand and accept you because I love you. And I still do love you. You've loved me in return, and still love me and I thank you.

The future of us is still unknown yet but if we hold on together, we can make it.

self-gratification-too exhausting

2008-11-01T10:46:00.003+08:00

I want to cry. I want to get me out from this job where I'm supposed to be happily assisting costumers. But what's happening is the contrast. I am no longer happy, being with people whom you cant trust. And instead of lifting you up, they're putting you down. I don't want to be affected because it can do no good for my health and for my baby. I know I have the attitude that most of the people dislike. That most people only recognize it, instead of recognizing the good side, my good attributes. Do I even have one?self-pity- such an enemy. I'm lost when I'm focused on it.

I have to work, I have to get going. I need this to survive.I shouldn't be entertaining these emotions that would only crashed me and would only ruin me-my life, my plans. Is this what God wants for me? I want to get promoted, but I don't think if its possible still since the person whom I have an issue with is my supervisor. I don't know what happened. She doesn't talk to me anymore, not even a word. What have I done? I know I sometimes is stubborn. But I cant think of any reason that could possibly caused her to stay away from me. I'm trying hard to please everyone, to please you big guys. Am I being too trying hard? Maybe all I want is recognition after all. And this is not what God wants for me. It is against his will. It is a wrong motive.

After all this time, I thought I already learned my lessons. I am still doing the same thing over and over again. Self-gratification.Yes indeed. Why cant I focus in pleasing the audience of one, or let say glorifying his name alone? and He will be the doing the rest of it. Surely.

remind me oh Father.

singed:wensy

Money

2008-10-29T09:12:00.004+08:00

This is what everyone needs. I need it myself even. Money is anywhere is to be found. But why do people including me found it hard to acquire it? We need to at least work hard for it.Too many incidents already happened because of this thing. Money have already caused a lot of people to do foolish stuff, to the extent of killing ormurdering in order to just have this.

I want to become rich. That's the very goal I had when I was still young where the meaning of the word money is still blurry. I want to elevate my family and I believe the only thing that can help me save them is to have more of this/these. I got so preoccupied with it that drove me to finish schooling.

And so I finished studying, got engaged with the call center industry. Earning a salary which I believe is still not enough to help my family especially now that I'm going to have a family on my own in the near future. How am I supposed to bring them up? With a student husband? I finally realized I still need more of it and it usually drives me really really crazy when I think about it.

I got to read a book entitled money matters authored by Francis Kong. I learned from there a lot of things with regard to dealing with situations that involve money. One thing I learned and I cannot afford to unlearn and the only thing that I need to always remind myself of is "if we will only put our trust in our provider then everything will be taking care of", to be faithful to Him. Being reminded of that somehow comforted and inspired me to continue no matter what comes in the way. Somebody said, God will never put us in a circumstance where our body is not equipped to handle. He is the one who place us in to that situation and will be the one who's going to take us out from that situation if we will just trust in Him.

I trust in You Lord.

signed: wensy

A student husband

2008-10-27T08:45:00.006+08:00

My soon to be husband is still a student, I'm saying this so that all of you will be aware of it. I am a working soon to be mom and wife on the other hand, I already finished the major of Bachelor of Science in Computer Engineering two years ago-March 2006. And I'm here working as a call center agent-technical support engineer for almost 3 years. Though somehow I was able to apply the things I've learned during college days, I believe this is not the job fit for me.

My hubby is two years younger than me, he's 21, I'm 23. He is studying Marine Engineer, let say, he has been very flippant on his studies before not until we met and I got pregnant and he promised he will be this time serious to it. He said, he will most probably graduate by march next year. So somehow i felt relieved when i heard it. First semester ended for this school year, good thing he does not have any failing grades. We reviewed and calculated his remaining units left yesterday and we found out he still has 39 units to take and pass. So basically it means, he cant finish it by this march since he is only allowed to take the maximum of 26 units per semester. He can't even finish it by summer next year. So most probably he will be graduating by October next year- hopefully.

It is so unreassuring to know that I will still be the one who's going to raise up our small family financially for another year. Will I be able to support them? All I need is patience here, I know sooner it will be my soon to be husband's turn to build us up.

Its hard.

I just need to remind myself again that I love my husband and he loves me as well
and we both love our coming baby.

signed:wensy

Pride

2008-10-21T14:11:00.002+08:00

"I am so on the verge of getting tired of this relationship", that what I said when I left the house for work early this morning.

I had a fight with my soon to be husband last night. He wanted to go for a night out with his uncle and his cousins. It was an all boys night out though, I didn't permit him to. It's not that I'm being deprivable to him, I just need him last night because I'm sick and I'm pregnant. I need him to be beside me. He did not understand that, though in the end he finally decided not to go, we still had a few hours of not talking to each other-pride.

Before we slept, we talked and cleared thing out because in the first place we can't sleep. Both of us are bothered since things between us aren't fine yet. We apologized and caress each other and went to sleep.

This morning when I woke up and woke him up as well, I thought everything's fine already, when I found out while I'm bathing myself, he did not prepare breakfast for me instead he went back to sleep. It really hurts because he normally prepares food for breakfast everyday. Just when I'm about to leave, he woke up and instead of apologizing, he got mad for me not talking to him.

Here I am in the office trying to ease the hurt, trying to fix the impairment. Knowing that the only thing that worsens it is pride.

Am I being too sensitive?

Back pains

2008-10-20T13:21:00.005+08:00

and so I never thought it's going to be this painful when you're pregnant. It is very inconvenient. They said its normal, but the torment is not. The agony is intolerable. You're not even allowed to take any medicines. Its hard. I DECLARE TO EVERY WOMAN. This what its like to become a mother.

According to the doctors, its our growing uterus and hormonal changes that cause the aching back. Our expanding uterus shifts our center of gravity and stretches out and weakens our abdominal muscles, changing our posture and putting a strain on our back.

The extra weight we're carrying means more work for our muscles and increased stress on our joints, which is why our back may feel worse at the end of the day. Our growing uterus may also cause back pain if it's pressing on a nerve.

In addition, hormonal changes in pregnancy loosen our joints and the ligaments that attach our pelvic bones to our spine. This can make us feel less stable and cause pain when we walk, stand, sit for long periods, roll over in bed, get out of a low chair or the tub, bend, or lift things

What the heck!!!

So this is what pregnancy is all about? Pain?. Pain during the process of molding the baby, pain during labor, during delivery. Its all about pain. Forgive me. I am already grumbling.

Grumbly as I am now, the happiness after giving birth and being able to see your baby alive and kicking is the one I've been waiting for. After all these pains, there is this one precious gift from heavens that can cease it and that can even let you forget all the struggles, difficulties you've been through. A precious from God.

signed: wensy

Arguments

2008-10-18T14:49:00.004+08:00

"Everything is going to be fine baby", thats what I always tell him everytime I tend to worry, it seems like my blood pressure would raise up, and its not good for my condition of being pregnant.

I get so affected with the things going around with my cousin and my uncle's wife. They're actually having this un- rescuable argument, let say. I am not supposed to be dealing with it since this controversy has nothing to do with me. But for some reason, I somehow found myself being caught in the middle. I tried explaining to both of them that I am not going to take sides since both of them are close to me- bloodily speaking. But then, this cousin of mine somehow misinterpreted the situation and concluded that I betrayed her. My Gosh!! Why would I do such a thing?
I was even very silent about it, although I already found out what she did, I still decided not to talk because I dont want to be engaged to their fight.

I got mad, I cant help it. But i tried to forgive her since she doens't know what she's doing. What I am really concern about is her condition, since she is pregnant as well. I hope sooner than soonest she will realize that this is but a problem, a headache she's causing herself.

Forgive her father for she does not know what she is doing.

Paranoia

2008-10-14T13:27:00.004+08:00

I was born paranoid. I always have this systematized delusions which often bring me to pitying my own ego. It usually destroys my whole being. crashed.I believe I am smart , I love listening and ascertaining to other people's opinions, facts. And those prevailing views would frequently, bring me to a down, confused or a paranoia moment. Maybe it's the too much of absorbing it that triggers this psychotic disorder. I so hate it, it helps me sometimes though, it is still not good for me, for my health. Depression, too much of it would really kill me. I so am alone. I need somebody who could break this fear that I'm bringing with me everyday. It is but a headache. It is too exhausting. I'm tired.

It is the fear of delivering my precious that bothers me nowadays. I lack trust to God. Forgive me Lord. I just cant deny the fact that I am really scared. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of my baby. What if he's not normal? Lord please?Forgive me. I sinned, I have been so unfaithful, ever since. But I still believe in His unfailing love. His unconditional love, that brought me all throughout the years. I declare that apart from Him, I AM NOTHING.

So once again, I'm being reminded to cast all my fears away. For I have a Father who loves me, a Holy Spirit who's in me to guide me, and a Son who's there to save me.

thanks..
signed :wensy

black dog

2008-10-13T16:03:00.005+08:00

wala lang....dli lang jud ko mapul an tan aw sa iya naung........

uhmmmmm......14324

kick

2008-10-12T14:54:00.003+08:00

Yes!! For the first time i felt my baby kicking, that was yesterday when i was at work. I noticed an unusual movement in my stomach, it was a like a punch or something like someone is pushing inside. I felt very happy, very glad.

My baby was around 12 weeks when i first felt his movement. I feel him responding when i let him listen to music. They are indeed alive inside a mother's womb. I'm looking forward to more kicks everyday.

I cant believe, I am going to be a mother soon. So help me God.

unique

2008-10-11T15:08:00.006+08:00

I soon will be a bride. But, okay, I'm not going to wear something or anything like that(below). I want to wear something unique. Like this(to the right):
is that unique?lol

Beau Alphonse-a baby boy

2008-10-08T13:21:00.005+08:00

that's going to be your name baby..

i hope you'll like it...

Marriage

2008-10-07T15:47:00.006+08:00

I have been struggling either to get married or not? I had always live a life believing i will never be able to tie a knot. I've always have that persuasion. Not until somebody proposed, brought his family to where i live in and proved himself his willing. Isn't that convincing? or let say persuading?

As what marriage is known to be, a relationship in which two people have pledged themselves to each other in the manner of a husband and wife. Like am i ready to be a wife? Or is he ready to be a husband?

What I'm told about marriage is it a commitment, it is not just about love nor feelings. For feelings will soon vanish, and the only thing that's going to keep you together is the commitment to each other and to God most of all. It is a pledge before God. Does he even know God? or let me put it this way, does he love God like the way God has ever loved him? convince me more. persuade me more.

After all marriage is about God..You have to love God first.

In the littleness of my love Lord, let me love you

signed:wensy

almost

2008-09-30T16:07:00.000+08:00

It's almost the end of the month, I haven't really thought of anything new to me.Nothing has ever changed. Everything is still the same. From the moment I found out the truth and struggled and still struggling. Still confused. Nothing has ever renewed. stubbornness.laziness. lack of surrender. Those are negatives i found very hard to let go. Why cant I give up everything in order to be with YOU?

The killer

2008-09-28T13:31:00.000+08:00

delineating the exact opposite of what and how I am today..
im deeply affected with some unpleasant feeling,

boredom...indeed ,THE KILLER!!

disinclined to work,averse it is.SH**
disposed to idleness,
what the.....F*ck

can somebody take me out from this boredom?

Sweetest downfall

2008-09-24T11:09:00.000+08:00

I want to find my feet on my work, focusing on what lies ahead, cherishing the moment of becoming a mother. I want to forget everything in the past, especially your past. It's nothing but a chip on my shoulder. I'm like a doubting Thomas, a skeptic who needs personal evidence to believe on something. I want to move beyond this unnecessary that keeps on bothering me. I just want to be joyful in everything i do. I do it for the Higher being and for my baby.

I miss the way I do things before. I miss the way i live, learn and love. I miss the way i fail, the way I repent and just be refreshed by the touch of the higher being. I miss my real friends, my real family who's just there to protect me. I turned my back on them for you, attempting to forget them, but i cant. They are part of my existence here already. I knew it from the very start that you are someone i should avoid to have any relationship with. But i still pursued and now I'm having all these doubts, confusion, distractions. If only I could turn back time, now that I'm already in love with you.

Why is your past bothering me? Is this love? Or just some stupid feeling that i want to get over with. Im exhausted. I want to forget you, if thats the only way that i could get myself out from this wearying position, hoping this would be a method to my madness. What I'm really apprehensive about is this might become a flash in the pan, something i will regret in the future.

Will I be able to accomplish that?when forgetting you is a very difficult thing to do. Only really God knows what will happen next. Ill hold on to that.

For now,I will just center my focus to my ,uhmm I call her my sweetest downfall. My one and only child.

Change

2008-09-17T13:46:00.000+08:00

Someone wrote in her blog regarding change,its true somehow. This is whats in her blog:

CHANGE. it has always been said, there is nothing constant in this life except change. We expect everything to be always a new beginning and then you grow maturely with every twists and turns it brings along with it into your life.And yet however it is defined, and every time, i always fail to understand the real meaning of it, let alone the impact of it in my own life. Chances are, i might just be not very accepting about any thing new to me especially when it happens in an abrupt way which worsens my incomprehension about it. And it all depends on what situation you’re in when you can say it’s drastic or not, which in this case,i think it is.

So she gave an example of her drastic change experienced.

Here's my another example..my own story:
I was in this 6year relationship with a serious slash educated slash provider slash not-so-gwapo guy in which i can say,my indefinite-time-yet-to-come is already secured, when all of a sudden i met this another a-not-so-serious slash still-schooling slash cant-provide-my-needs-yet slash a-GWAPO-guy ,which totally ended our relationship and plans to get married.

So i hook up with this new guy (not to mention up to now)uhmm,there were a lot of things happened.. uhmm ..wait... let me exaggerate that..AS IN A LOT....in just a very short span of time,believe me..duhh. Here it goes, something already happened to us, if you know what i mean, during the first night of our, i thought at first it would only be just a "fun" hook-up.
He promised he will never hurt nor leave me, and i somehow made a covenant on the other hand -promising not to go back to my old relationship(CHAR),i really thought that was only a CHAR CHAR moment. Not until he brought me in to his house, i came to meet his mom and siblings,his dad was'nt around at that time since he works overseas but later on after a month he returned and we met, along with his relatives. He met my family as well. We became close to each others blood and kinship. Two months later ,i got pregnant, that was my first pregnancy ever. I got terrified, we got terrified. We told my mom immediately, she got so angry and wants it aborted (that was the first thing on her mind considering dirk is not yet stable and is not capable of raising up a family yet, and I on the contrary is already stable though,im not yet responsible enough to handle such a serious matter). I disagreed of course, though i fell hard, I still have the fear of the higher being, to commit such a huge sin. So she told my dad who is as well working outside country and wants us to be married as soon as possible. He informed his parents, later on after a few days,they went in to our house and talked about our coming soon marriage.

Okay, here's one of the highlights here.Two days after they visited, my baby was miscarried, the reason is still unknown yet..hey im honest!!!!!,i didnt do anything bad to it. I was even the most careful and cautious woman on earth that time, but for some reason, it happened. I thought maybe God was giving me the second chance to undo all the things i've done evil, but still i cant resist the temptation, i know i love him already because i always easily give in to all his requests. After a month i got pregnant again, can you believe that?..ok ok forgive me.i once again committed a very stubborn mistake. My mother was again burning with madness and irritation but was later on able to accept the damn fact that i really is to become a mom-soon. I moved to their house, was able to know his family more, we visit my family once in a while, we were able to learn and accept each of our differences. Now we're waiting for the schedule of our marriage to be pronounced, we had it only civil since we have a conflict with our religions(very complicated) and most of all we're very excited for our baby to come out.

uhmm (sigh) hope and pray she/he is normal.

isnt that drastic?

oh and did i mention that my ex -boyfriend was bothering us during the first week of our being together..?yes he did..and that drove me very crazy.

self -pity-i just dont want the world to know

2008-07-25T12:48:00.000+08:00

I was reading blogs from my friends when i simply remember i haven't created one for a long time already.I was so touched by their so heartwarming let say..uhmm i prefer calling it a chronicle.You can feel them pouring out everything they have inside. Anyhow, i too is going through something not so let say pious right now.The guilt inside makes me want to uhmm..HIDE?i dont know,i just dont feel like showing myself to the world especially to these people i respected most.The people who took care of me for these past few years not by giving me literally a shilter but in their most special way they've given me home.They've loved me,and i know they still love me inspite of. They've given their best to change me in to a better person-physically,socially,emotionally and yes you may not believe this but they spiritually changed me-God changed me.I was able to know the higher being more. I was able to learn to worship a God-a God whom people all throughout the years did nothing to him but hurt him-JUST LIKE ME.unworthy me.I've always ache God, I've always known that,human as we are, we tend to fall short-but the good thing about it before is when everytime i seem to follow the crooked road, I go back and find the correct one.But you see,i always thought i'd be so like that who will just surrender each time i fail, i just realize, now that im having this unrelenting situation,i just cant help but not forgive myself.I guess i just could'nt accept and believe the damn fact that i fell hard,that right now im having hard time standing back and repent. I just want to conceal from them.I want to withdraw and keep myself from their sight. Im even afraid to face God.But i know its not the right thing to do.I HAVE TO BE RESTORED. i miss them so much.I MISS MY CHURCH. I Just dont have the face to show them. Can somebody help me, pls take me and help me let go of this pride so that i could GO BACK? Can you?will you?be able to?

for him

2008-05-17T04:42:00.000+08:00

wazz up?
juz tryin to get mah lyf back up
and runnin as if everythin fine
but damn,its not as easy as i had in mind

love?
once got mad of
considered it a piece of crap
but little less i know
already found mahself in anothers lap

friends?
they dont come to an end
though..only a few are true
at least you have somebody
who's gonna be there for you

end?
hooh!! been thinkin how to end this post
findin my eyes were about to close
i guess we'll just see each other
until im able to create another

adios

fragments

2008-02-22T12:51:00.000+08:00

and all of these are just fragments
.. it's not yet the end of the story

whether it's a curse or a blessing
no one knows ,

Only God Knows....

Struggles

2008-02-01T06:20:00.000+08:00

I have been bewildered for these past few days and have encountered some series of unfortunate events. I have been trying hard to secure some directions that would lead me to a placid path, hoping to see the purpose behind everything and praying to see the bigger picture.

I was hurt, and have hurt other people as well.MY APOLOGIES.

I may look blithe but I'M NOT!!..deep inside lies the true affliction. Obtaining the pain of loosing and gaining someone, the pain of being prattled about-the worst part is,almost all of it were untrue.

I believe I don't have to explicate anything especially to those people who did nothing but GOSSIP!!

I don't want to be enraged nor to be inflamed just because of this petty yet stressful matter. I am not stopping you from talking as well, however, I just do hope that we will learn to at least respect each others private and personal life. Though it has already being publicized, it is still considered personal.

Oh!my gosh!! I cant believe I'm asking you this. It is so pathetic, it is so puerile.

To YOU, i'm sorry ,I really am sorry.

Hope we will continue to move on,ceasing to recall all the bad things that happened and of course that we would always bring with us the insights we've procured upon dealing with it.

but who am i kiddin...........from joe

2008-01-10T14:05:00.000+08:00

but who am i kiddin'..

...But who am I kidding to even think
that you might see me
It's in the stars that girls like me
And boys like you were never meant to be

So here I stand fighting what I feel for you
Torn between what reason says and how I
really feel
And here I stand, wondering what to say
to you
Hoping that you feel the same, the same
as I do...

damn ........

2008-01-03T12:53:00.000+08:00

it hurts so much to know that the one you love is just playing with you.

sleepiness

2007-12-22T07:48:00.000+08:00

I ammm ssssssssoooooooooo sleepy ....
good thing my buddy has to take all my calls

work overload

2007-11-15T12:32:00.000+08:00

assiduous drudgery
gaining pain
located at the back of the skull
unarrestable inbounds
exhausted one's self
succoring a committment
analyzing an upshot
yearning to be refreshed

goodly ill

2007-11-04T19:58:00.000+08:00

Im sick
and i want to be sick like a dog
if only i could just lie down and be fed
and be cared by somebody who cares a lot for me ...(sigh)

But i got bills to pay so i have to get to work..
so even though how ill i am
i still have to be here in the office
but of course i wont push myself to the very limit
coz i might regret in the end
i still have to prioritize my health over work...
WoW!!! really...?
huh!!!

What I mean is ,i have to learn to care for myself as well
how can I work excellently,if i don't know how to take care of my own body

Honestly,i dont feel like working
the mind is willing but the body cannot
im afraid, now that they changed the schedule
i might not perform well in my job
i am now on a 3am shift which is very,absolutely,certainly hard for us to WAKE UP!!!
i am indeed going to live an unnormal life again
I want to shout,i want to cry
huhuhuhuhuhuh
yes Lord sorry, i know you are the one who put me in to this situation
and of course will be the one to take me out from this situation as well..*wink* LOLZ
yes Lord i'll follow everything according to your will.
not by grumbling but by willingness to obey
i know this is good for me..
THANK YOU.. :)

dedicated to a higher being

2007-11-02T18:24:00.000+08:00

A broken spirit

And a contrite heart
You will not despise

You will not despise

You desire truth

In the inward parts

A broken spirit

And a contrite heart.

Lord, my heart is prone to wander

Prone to leave the God I love

Here's my heart

Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Your courts above

Self-denial..

2007-10-31T21:08:00.001+08:00

Sometimes, you just have to try not to care no matter how much you do. Because sometimes you mean nothing to someone who means so much to you. Its not pride, its called SELF-RESPECT.

I've always love writing however writing doesn't love me back.

Dont worry I've already accepted it.

I continue to write though,that doens't stop me from persevering.

I've always love somebody however that somebody doesn't love me back

That one's hard to concede.

Its not blindness thats keeping me from admitting.

Its STUPIDITY .

This one has to be halted.

I've always love to learn SELF-DENIAL..

Such an arduous word.

But i have to..

Its a necessity

Self-respect

2007-10-27T21:10:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you just have to try not to care no matter how much you do. Because sometimes you mean nothing to someone who means so much to you. Its not pride, its called SELF-RESPECT.

thats what my heart is uttering right at this very moment...............

a female parent

2007-10-26T13:36:00.000+08:00

Isn't it astounding to find yourself praising and thanking the Higher being for giving you the most special gift..your MOM,our MOM..?

..when all this time, you did nothing but grumble about the kind of mom you have.You keep seeking for the love and care from other mothers, and then suddenly "boom" ,it was changed,like a flash of light.It was like you were enlightened of the truth. The truth about why God permitted you to be with those kind of parents.

I remember when i was still youthful, and was very fond of diaries. I had a crush then with my high school classmate,and somehow made me very desirous to come to school. I always wrote everything about him without comprehending that i already left my diary on my moms desk. So,that left her read everything I've written, including the very motive why i go to school.

That incident caused me to be reprimanded and warned, but somehow enraged me about the fact that God created man with feelings,and that we tend to be attracted with the opposite sex.
But it was just recently that i realized that my mom was right and was just trying to protect me at that time, when i reproved my younger brother for admiring and chatting with girls in his age.
Warning him of his priority---SCHOOL!!

My MOM was right then...
Thank God.. :)

mElAnChOlY

2007-10-23T16:07:00.000+08:00

in the state of being abstinent
marked by seriousness..
circumspection it is

searching for something that can soothe this sentiment

obtaining one inquiry..
is it your will or not?

and there was light

2007-10-22T17:56:00.000+08:00

Does that mean I'm in?

I had a dream about becoming one of the lights of this world..until i was found, and was enlightened, and was forgiven and was being renewed...
...and then i was glad,satisfied however not for a long length of time.
Not until i found out that we struggle,that we tend to be interrupted by our own selves, our own will.
But then again, i was delighted and was enlightened,knowing that struggling is not base.
It means you have the spirit directing you to the right path.

.......to becoming the light of the world.Just like HIM.praise be all to YOU.

Start of something new...

2007-10-22T13:59:00.000+08:00

wait wait wait...is this something new?huh!!!

I've always tried writing blogs,although writing is a no gift for me.
But at least i have some pastime to pour out everything inside

...even the deepest minute things...

good start..

well i guess i'll just welcome myself to the world of blogz.