I wonder what they two are doing now? My baby i believe is sleeping already. But what about him? Is he sleeping as well? I have to believe in it. I have to believe in him. To trust him, such a very difficult thing to do. It is more of a task for me. A task given by a husband to a wife who cant even trust herself. A task that is arduous.
I got married when I was 23 when my husband was still 21. That was a year ago when we decided to settle down although deep inside I know that it was not yet the right time. I was not even certain if he was serious in making the decision. He was still so young after all. And our relationship was still starting. We have not yet known each other so well. I conceived his baby, that triggered the arrangement. The reason behind everything.
I used to be a performer, in a church. I used to refer it as "my church". But do I still have the right to claim it as mine? As "I" still being part of it? A singer, thats what I was. A worship leader in fact, somehow I was called and I had pleasure in serving the calling everyday. For 6 years I grew up from being the alto of the group to becoming the lead singer. Although I was struggling, we were all struggling on what supposed to be our motive, to glorify HIM alone. Those are the moments when I was able to find myself, to know myself more, to know HIM more and more, and beginning to appreciate the reality of this life. That it is tough but no matter how tough it is, there is one thing we need to bear in mind, "HE will never leave us, nor forsake us". In that church I found a family, a true family who accepted me for who I was and was willing to help transform me in to becoming a more mature being.
Everything was blurry when I met him December 2007, that was Christmas eve when he came in to our place. We were partying and I noticed him approaching, it was then I realized he only came to accompany his friend who happened to be the boyfriend of my friend who after a year became the father of her first baby. He was so handsome, everybody looked. So then, he smiled at me and I smiled in return. Due to being slightly intoxicated already, I cannot fully remember why we end up talking to each other the entire night. But that was no other than a friendly talk. The following day, I searched for him, I realized I wanted to see him again. I ceased for I know that I was committed and was not supposed to have the kind of relationship I wanted with him that time. So I ceased from thinking of him as well. Not until we met again.
January 2008 came, the strangest year I could consider so far. How bizarre. First, the commitment ended. Second, I got hooked up with him. Everything happened in a very quick manner. Third would be, this was the saddest part, I became hesitant to continue to perform, I thought Im no longer deserving to serve which was correct. As hesitant as I was becoming, I started not show myself up to them, they became worried. I showed up to the leader and pronounced to her what had happened to me, that was the time when I began to accept that I can no longer sing. It hurt me, self-pity began to arose. But she never reprimanded me, instead she gave her full support along with the other leaders reminding me that they will never turn their back on me, unlike what I did to them. And later on slowly it became known to the entire church that I had committed a very huge mistake. I still did not show up to them, only to a few people.
June 2008, I became pregnant to his baby. As I mentioned everything was sudden. I got hooked up with him when the new year started. I got pregnant after 5months. How did we hook up? Well we went out one January night, he proposed, I said yes right away. An abrupt agreement as how I call it. But I never thought we will end up having a baby, getting married, living in one house with his family which an entirely hell for me. Imprisoned to a never ending struggle. And now all I want is to go back to where I originally was. Where I was pleasurably living, having no doubts, no confusions, no unfathomable self-pity, no debts, speaking of which is driving me crazy right now. I just want to live normal again.
Another commitment started again, November 2008. But this time it was different, it was a now forever commitment, no turning back, till death do us part. I got married with him. I was in loved and is still in love with him and at the same time confused if we can make this to last forever. I was so afraid he might go and find another or he might cheat or he might get tired of me. I have so many "what ifs", even until now. Although I have never seen any signs, I am still having hard time trusting him.
Until she came out, the happiness was never ending. She was the sweetest, loveliest, the pretties baby that has lived on earth. Well, that's according to her mother who has loved her first. Seeing her growing in our own hands, made me from time to time see and understand the kind of faith a child(baby) has to her parents. It is a never failing faith. I wish I had that faith to my husband. So that I could rest my heart from thinking evil things.
I'm giving it all to God, I'm entrusting him everything. He will never give me more than what I can bear. In this and through this I could trust that our marriage life will last forever-eternal.
signed:
wensy
